What would you do? The signs of domestic abuse are obvious
June 19, 2008 by Jim GiulianoPosted in: Behavior, Communication, In this week's e-newsletter, Latest News & Views, What would you do?
Periodically, we ask three HR managers how they’d handle a difficult situation at work. Today’s problem: You and other employees spot signs of domestic abuse.
The scene
HR manager Lynne Blakely looked up from her desk at the sound of the tap on her doorway and saw Sandy, an administrative assistant with the company.
“Got a minute to talk, Lynne?” she said.
“Sure,” she smiled as he pushed aside a pile of papers. “What’s up?”
Sandy closed the door and sat down as she spoke: “I’ll get right to the point. What should I do if I suspect that another employee is the victim of domestic abuse?”
‘Oh, it’s nothing’
Lynne ignored her ringing phone and said, “Of course, this is confidential, so let me ask: Who’s the employee?”
“That’s what makes the situation even more difficult,” Sandy replied. “It’s Gina, my boss.”
Lynne had had her suspicions about Gina, too, but stayed silent and let Sandy continue.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Gina’s been wearing a lot of makeup lately, and last week she wore her prescription sunglasses every day instead of her regular glasses,” Sandy continued. “I think it’s because she’s covering up her bruises.”
Lynne nodded. Sandy’s observations confirmed her own.
“Of course, I don’t see Gina as much as you do,” Lynne noted. “Is it really that bad, and do you really think she’s the victim of domestic abuse?”
“It’s bad, and Gina won’t talk to anyone about it,” Sandy said. “When I asked her about one of the bruises, she just said, ‘Oh, it’s nothing, just an accident at home.’”
If you were Lynne, what would you do about the situation with Gina?
Willie Kelly, HR director, Mt. Laurel, NJ
What Willie would do: I’d look into whatever employee-assistance programs we have available and sit down one-on-one and inform the employee about the opportunities, including help with any kinds of “domestic” problems, without mentioning abuse specifically.
Reason: In these situations, I think it’s best to approach the problem by mentioning the help available, rather than confronting someone with what you suspect (which may or may not be true). After that, it’s up to the employee.
Kent McPherson, HR director, Memphis, TN
What Kent would do: In a private meeting, I’d speak to the employee, tell her that I’ve seen signs of abuse and ask if the company could help in some way. If she opened up about it, I would work with her to get the help. If she said she didn’t need help, I would leave it at that.
Reason: I think she might want to know that there are obvious signs others have noticed and there’s help for her if she wants it. That leaves the door open for her if there is a problem and if she decides she needs help.
Linda Russo, HR director, Holden, MA
What Linda would do: We have a lot of literature about our employee-assistance program’s counseling program for abused women. I’d be sure to hand some of the literature to Gina and say, “Let’s talk for a minute after you’ve read this.” If she later agreed to talk, I’d proceed as she saw fit. If she didn’t respond at first, well, at least she has the information she needs to take action.
Reason: The information and a few words from me can serve as a reminder that there’s assistance available if she wants it. That’s about as far as you can go.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Any employer information that is distributed to a suspected victim of domestic violence should include the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-7233, as well as the contact information for their local domestic violence program. That way, the employee can seek assistance outside of her place of employment and her confidentiality can be maintained.
June 27th, 2008 at 7:37 am
I would talk with “Gina” privately and let her know that we are concerned about what we are observing and that help is available – making mention of our EAP, local help, etc. I would, in my circumstance, personalize it – I have lived that situation and can speak to it directly. Because I can offer that viewpoint, “Gina” may sense genuine concern and seek the help she would need.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:11 am
This is a very touchy situation… Confrontation can deter the victim from admitting what is anyway embarrassing! and at the same time, confrontation can force the person to do something about the abuse and than again sometimes confiding in someone at work too can make them feel even worse if they decide to stick with the abuser or do nothing about it… sometimes in cases like this, the easiest way to avoid singling out a person while helping them in the workplace is to hold company training… divide the trainees into single groups of male and female groups. Have a specialist conduct the training! and make sure that the training pamplets, materials or information, should be distributed to everyone indirectly by placing on each chair, desk… so no one is singled out…no one feels like everyone know…
February 9th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Maybe I’m just ignorant or coming from the viewpoint of an employer’s attorney, but I would think telling the potential victim exactly why you suspect abuse would be a better starting point. However, I am not an HR expert until a matter gets to a disciplinary hearing (I represent a government; not the private sector). However, in the past 30 years, I have represented a lot of abuse women (and some men) by court-appointment. A direct approach…”I think you may be suffering from domestic abuse because of x, y, z observations…” may elicit more honest responses. I learn a LOT from you folks; am I off-base here? Is there a “right” approach?
March 27th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I have dealt with this issue. An employee came into my office and took off her sweatshirt (she had a shirt on underneath) and she was black and blue. I referred her To our EAP and another employee was in there that at the time and that employee gave her the Victims of Domestic Violence hotline.
The way that she approached it I knew she just needed and wanted someone to listen. I made sure that due to her problems at that time we were being somewhat leniant of any attendance issues (which werent that bad) and I made sure myself and the direct supervisor were available when she needed someone to talk to. Well Im happy to report that she is no longer in that situation, its taken her several months but she finally got the strength and courage to get out.
As a side note….She even got a promotion in the company. Luckily, this story has a happy ending.
April 7th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
I cannot even tell you what I have been through…..I know that right now I have dropped all charges, b/c my abuser covered his own butt b/c in fear of lsong his job if anyone found out….he knew what to do & did it. Now I sit here & feel like I cannot handle this. Even after the abuse is over I have the emotional end that I cannot handle. I ned to talk to someone now & there is no one…all the hotlines tell you to call in the morning. Then you still have no one just to talk to, just to get out some of these feelings.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Gina B
Please, if the hotline is available in the mornings call them. Don’t give in to abuse. The only thing that will make it better will require your courage and involvement. There is help out there.
April 8th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Gina,
Does your employer have an EAP? they are usually available 24/7 and 100% confidential. But dont ever feel ashamed. Its not your fault. Nothing ever constitutes someone abusing another person. Dont allow this person to take ‘control” over your life.