Argument Ping-Pong: 4 Ways To Not Get Sucked In

Arguments are inevitable at work. The hope is they’re all healthy arguments that spark creativity or higher productivity.

Unfortunately, some arguments go sideways. Or backwards. Or back and forth … much like an argument ping-pong.

Avoid the Argument Ping-Pong

Communicating what you really want to say is everything when it comes to managing people. But when you start padding, ducking and buffering through a discussion, you quickly slide into what communications consultant Marlene Chism calls “verbal ping-pong.”

The problem is people often get trapped into playing unexpectedly … and don’t know how to dig out.

It goes something like this:

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“You’re completely wrong.”

“No, I’m not; I can prove it.”

“You don’t have the facts. It’s just your opinion.”

“You never listen to me.”

“You’re just being close-minded.”

Avoid or Escape Ping-Pong Arguments

But effective managers don’t waste time playing ping-pong.

To save valuable time and energy, here are four key steps to take to turn around arguments you’re stuck in (or stop them from happening).

1. Listen First (No Matter How Hard It Is)

Listening is difficult when you’re certain you’re right. It’s tempting to argue your case rather than put up with theirs.

Some people also think remaining quiet is a sign of tacit approval. By not trying to rebut, you’re giving the other person the idea that you’re silently agreeing with them.

But effective listening is the most important step to counter arguments before they explode.

When you truly pay attention to what the other person says, you’ll fully understand their mindset – what made them angry, what they see as a problem, or why they’re being contrary.

Once you have the specifics of their argument, you can agree, disagree, persuade, or explain — whatever is best for the situation.

2. Give Up the Need to Prove a Point

Even if you are right, you must give up the need to be right.

When you sense the discussion is going around in circles, change course.

Chances are, you are quibbling about something that really doesn’t matter. If so, just agree to disagree and move on. If the conversation does matter, create some space to regain control.

Shift your focus from winning an argument to understanding the situation.

While it may be excruciating at first, you will get the hang of it and see the positive results. You should notice the other person’s demeanor change after they feel understood.

Remember, it takes two to play ping-pong, Chism says. Don’t hit the ball back. Leaders who argue create more resistance. Leaders who listen control the conversation.

3. Don’t Try to ‘Fix’ Their Views

There’s nothing more annoying when you’re involved in a discussion than to speak your piece, only to have the other person say, “Well, you must not really understand what you’re talking about.”

Part of the reason people play verbal ping-pong is that they think they’re SO right that, if they’re just given a few minutes, the person they’re arguing with will slap their forehead and say, “Gee, how could I have been so stupid?”

It’s not going to happen.

If your discussion has descended into an argument, it’s probably because your opinions are wide apart.

Attempting to get someone else to turn to your way of thinking as soon as you start is unrealistic, even if you’re convinced you have the winning side.

Managers may see this resistance as being against the person’s best interests, but it’s not that deep.

“If this is a colleague or an employee, remember that they also have choices. If you’re in charge, you’ll need to make the other person understand the potential consequences of ignoring your counsel,” Chism says. “But remember, you can coach and discipline people, but you can’t ‘fix’ them.”

4. Concede to Something

If you want to persuade the other person, you need to be disciplined enough to accept what they’re saying before stating your case.

Until people feel you’ve heard them, and at least get where they’re coming from, there’s little chance they’ll be persuaded.

They’ll just feel further compelled to show you’re wrong.

So, find some common ground early on in the conversation and emphasize it.

If the person sees a problem and demands a certain solution, for example, at least agree that there’s a problem to be solved.

Put these four steps into practice when you find yourself careening down Argument Street, and they’ll start to come naturally – saving you time that would be wasted on verbal ping-pong.

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• Leadership & Strategy